New Direction

Sorta... I have to warn people that may be reading this blog... This isn't a cookie cutter blog where you are only going to read what you want to hear. Very few times do I get to REALLY say what I think or feel about certain things... So I've decided to not sugar coat things. No, that doesn't mean reading this you will feel like you are amongst a bunch of sailors, but it won't always be roses and dandelions either. Soo... With that... you've been warned... :)

I have got to...

Go through my kids clothes! Whew... SUCH an overwhelming task and I don't do well with overwhelming tasks... AND I have a hard time getting rid of ANYTHING for some unknown reason... but they have too much... they have PLENTY of NICE clothes but for some reason they insist on wearing the grubby play clothes out in public... I do NOT get this! I'm seriously considering putting matching outfits together in plastic bags/containers so that if I'm not there to dress them, they don't go out in their play clothes or mismatched clothes and looking like raggamuffins... I mean they do pretty good a lot of the time but then others, I think they just throw on jeans and a shirt and shoes and pay no attention to if it's a good shirt, play shirt or if it matches their shoes and/or hairbow/band that they have on...

Any suggestions? Like... How many "good outfits" to "play outfits" do you keep, etc?

frustrated mom mode

I'm a bit of a free spirit and not naturally organized to begin with. Add to that I have 3 little girls (8, 5, and 2), I work for myself (from home), and my husband works retail hours. The oldest two are in elementary school and the youngest is in pre-k two days a week. On top of this, in October I was in a car accident, not my fault, and my vehicle was totaled, so my middle daughter and I have been in and out of doctor and chiropractor visits since then and some days have been completely lost due to back pain, etc. Throw in the holidays, a kindergartner that's struggling in school (we think she may have mild dyslexia), the haunting thoughts that I have when I forget anything, knock something over, trip over my feet, get upset (all things my mom did constantly with Huntington's disease, which my siblings and I are all at risk for), having to watch my diet and exercise because my blood pressure has been up (and the family history of high bp & cholesterol), homework, bills to pay, phone calls to return, emails to return, and trying to make it to church on time on Sundays... and that's me... in a word - chaotic, I'd love to refer to myself as chaotic elegance but trust me, there is nothing elegant in anything I do.

I'm scared I don't know how to be a good mom. My oldest wrote something for me and titled it "Sensational Mom", I cried... I fall soo short of being a sensational mom that it's not even funny. She said I'm one of her heroes... And I'm not really sure what I have ever done to be a hero to her. I look at all these moms that seem to have it all together, even ones that work in the home or outside the home, kids in sports, etc, and I wonder what on earth is wrong with me that I have to bust my butt to clean my house if company is coming over because it's not in "drop in" condition, that my meals RARELY have the daily recommended nutritional value, that my life is soo hectic even without all the extras that these other moms have in their lives.

Sometimes I blame my mom's illness... But I really don't blame it all the time because even though mom was sick, I know the things that have to be done and I really feel like I should be 100% capable of being super mom and doing it all, but dadgumit if there aren't enough hours in the day to do it all! I constantly wonder what God was thinking when He allowed me to be a mom to three incredible little girls, who I feel, deserve soo much more than I can ever give to them or show them how to be. I feel like my girls are doomed to live their entire lives in chaos because that's how I feel we do now. I don't want that for them. I want better for them. And honestly, I don't think I have any clue how to do it.

If my house is clean, my work is behind. If my work is caught up, my house is a wreck. If I have play time with the kids, dinner is a rush to be made and bedtime ritual goes right out the door. If I work out, my work time and my cleaning time is cut short because I do that when the kids are at school. Where is the balance? How do single moms do it? How do married moms that work do it? There has to be some magical thing that I am missing out on... Either that or there really is something wrong with me... (though that certainly wouldn't be the first time that's been an accusation, I don't want to feel like somethings wrong with me)...

Okay... Venting session done... Now... Any helpful suggestions from you moms who have it together or have been there and know what works and what doesn't? I'm willing to try anything...

my new house...

so I LOVE decorating (and a lot of other things...) but I wanted to share a few pictures of my new AND ADORABLE home!!

Check it out!

my sister in law has a blog!!

check it out! :

http://theadventuresofjessandjosh.blogspot.com/

Wow... It's been a LONG while!!

So, I'm just looking at this and seeing that the last time I blogged was March 16th... And that's a LONG time and a lot has happened since then!

Schools gotten out and almost back in.

My business has grown (Praise the Lord!)

New people in my life... Amazing!!

New goals... New mentality... Lotsa new things I guess you could say...

God's definitely been real to us. And I'm grateful, I don't deserve Him or His love... I will write more tomorrow... I promise, but now I'm going to bed... Well actually going to watch a movie with my hubby and then go to bed.

Check out my new photography blog site: http://www.ashleybrawner.com - I LOVE IT!!

it's. been. real.

so since my last blog, a LOT has happened... a lot of emotions, etc etc etc

I've definitely gotten some good girl time in lately with different friends, all of which has been MUCH needed. Work has picked up and that's great.

It's also been one of those why-did-God-see-fit-to-let-me-be-a:
mom
wife
self-employed
nanny
nurse
cook
maid
baker
personal shopper
taxi
etc
etc
etc

He obviously sees something in me that I am constantly trying to learn about myself. Why am I worthy? Why does He love me?

Because He does...Nuff said. Because He says so...Something I say to my kids all the time "because I said so" but just like with my own children, that doesn't always seem to be a "good enough" answer...And it should be enough.

It should be enough that the Creator of the Universe loved/s me enough that He wanted me here. So why is it so hard? I have no idea...but I know it has to do with my human nature and my sin nature. But now...I have to constantly have to remind myself and rest in the knowledge that He is enough and His reasons are enough. And I'm blessed because of it.