one minute your up and the next you feel like you are picking yourself up off the ground...You get expected things and unexpected things and thus the reason we call it a roller coaster life. and...things have been pretty crazy in our household lately.
see...we have 3 little girls already and have been debating on whether to permanently prevent any future pregnancies or not. we kinda decided that right now we don't want any more but we wouldn't make any permanent decisions until after i turned 30 just because that is SUCH a permanent thing! and this week has kind of changed things for us... you see, last week i noticed something didn't feel quite normal, i felt pregnant(which is possible for most married couples who sleep in the same bed) and with all three prior pregnancies, i knew beforehand and didn't even have to see the test. this time i decided to wait to take a test because my hormones have been so irregular the last few months...and well...a few days later i *thought* that i had gotten my answer, that no i wasn't indeed pregnant. which, lets face it, babies are fun and another one would make for an even number and i love my children and would have soo many children if it made sense to...and so if we were to have another one, that's just what we would do...so yeah, i was relieved and sad at the same point.
but then something started to not be right again...and i knew something was wrong. in my heart of hearts i *knew* that i truly was pregnant and that i was currently miscarrying the baby...this was my gut feeling/instinct, though i didn't want it to be true. i didn't want to be pregnant, but if i were really pregnant, i didn't want anything bad to happen to my baby.
i started crying knowing what was happening and shortly there after went to the hospital, only to have a confirmed pregnancy test...they did lots of tests actually...and the doctor said she's unsure of what exactly happened and what not.
and this was my first ever miscarriage. so many emotions and questions. feeling like i was being punished for something. my husbands tears. my tears. my dads tears. the comforting words from my younger sister, who in the last two years has been through this twice. the confusion. all the what if's. the "i should have done this". etc.
it's cool to me though that even in the midst of my broken heart, hurts and pains that i could see God's hand on everything...He was there the whole time and has even provided my friends with spare time to come and sit with me to keep me company or to help with anything around the house. for this i am greatly appreciative. He provided my sister to come help lift my spirits with some hang time and my husband with an extra dose of patience this week with me :).
so anyways, God has a purpose for everything in life and has His hand in everything...And for whatever reason this is the season that He has me in at this time and His timing is perfect and I am thankful, everyday, to be in His grasp... "when you can't trace His hand...trust His heart" because He only wants the best for His children and that is to be one with Him, in good times and bad.
